First encounter with a native...

I settle onto the couch of one who once dwelt on my now very far away home planet. He has survived the transition and is happy to educate me in matters pertaining to life on the New Planet. Such a companion/educator is essential and highly recommended for all newly arrived aliens .

Since I have pockets full of Treasure, I decide that the first thing I should do is deposit it in the nearest Institution for Finance and Receptacle of Wealth.

The day after arriving, I proudly present myself and my pile of Treasure (carefully hidden in a sturdy canvas bag) at the nearest and most sombre looking Institution for Finance and Receptacle of Wealth. I will need this facility when I finally get paid the first precious pieces of silver from my still to be found, new job. Unfortunately it proves easier said than done.

I begin to realise that I am a long way from home and that, although it sounds alike, the language spoken here is not entirely the same as that spoken Back Home on the southernmost tip of the galaxy. What happened next goes like this…

“Morning, I arrived from the southernmost tip of the galaxy yesterday and I’d like to open an account at your Institution.”

“Certainly. If I could just let me have a copy of you latest paid electro-dynamic induction and distribution bill to show me proof of residence…”

“I only arrived yesterday and am staying with a friend, so I haven’t actually paid any accounts yet.”

“Yes I see. Well if I could just let me have a copy of your latest paid electro-dynamic induction and distribution bill, that will do to show me proof of residence…”

“Sorry, but I don’t think you quite understand me. I’ve only been on the planet for a day so I don’t have a permanent address yet, and as I’ve only been here one day I haven’t actually paid any bills but I have a letter from my friend stating I’m staying with him till I find a dwelling of my own. I have all this Treasure (jingling the sturdy canvas bag) that I’d like to deposit into an account.”

“Yes, of course I understand. So if I could just let me have a copy of your latest paid electro-dynamic induction and distribution bill, to show me proof of residence…” (At which point the large orange vein in my temple begins to throb wildly).

“Look, listen carefully, I’ve only been here ONE DAY. I have NOT been here long enough to pay any bills yet, but I have a letter from my friend stating I’m staying with him till I find somewhere of my own…”

“So, are you saying that you don’t have a recent electro-dynamic induction and distribution bill?”

“That’s right. I’ve only been this end of the universe for a day and I have not been here long enough to pay any bills yet, but I have a letter from my friend stating I’m staying with him till I find a dwelling of my own…”

“There shouldn’t be any problem opening an account for you then….if you could just let me have a copy of your latest paid electro-dynamic induction and distribution bill to show me proof of residence…”

(taking a deep breath and muttering direly)
“So are you actually saying that unless I have a recent electro-dynamic induction and distribution bill to prove where I live, I can’t deposit my treasure in your Institution?”

“As I said, there shouldn’t be any problem opening an account for you ….if you could just let me have a copy of your latest paid electro-dynamic induction and distribution bill to show me proof of residence…”

At which point I rant in an undignified and alien manner and storm out muttering in a tongue she does not comprehend. I realise later that I have just run into that great machination called Bureaucratic Beadledom, peculiar to this part of the Milky Way.

Breathing deeply and ready to take on the Empire I cross the street, walk into the next Institution and again present my case, to be told most politely that of course I can deposit my treasure and that obviously as I have only been on this planet for a day I wouldn’t have any recently paid electro-dynamic induction and distribution bills, and that it is no problem as they have contingency plans for just such an event.

I am duly presented with a posh file of documents and leave on a high, having now secured my treasure a berth in the financial institution of my choice. I suppose it all depends on which Institution newly arrived aliens go to and whether or not the Being behind the Glass is able to take the initiative and make a decision if something said does not exactly fit in with the standard responses that are expected.

I wonder now if I will ever understand the natives...